I've come to a disturbing realization since moving to Switzerland. I'm kind of shocked it took me this long to discover that I have not one, but TWO learning disabilities. I always did pretty well in school and managed to muddle my way through a graduate degree and although a member of Mensa, I am not, I've always considered myself a reasonably bright individual. But my recent self diagnosis is quite a problem and really starting to effect my social life here. I may be the only individual to ever suffer from these 2 disabilities simultaneously. I'm also the one who named them and decided they truly ARE disabilities. Some day I'll get the recognition I deserve in the medical journals.
I first realized I suffer from the total inability to understand someone who is speaking English if they have even the slightest bit of an accent. Also known as, "What Freakin' Language are you Speaking?" Syndrome. Since arriving here, I have met lots of really friendly, outgoing, and fun women that have really gone out of there way to make me feel welcome and at ease here in Switzerland. I have met most of them through the boys school and from several playgroups that I attend with E. Seriously, these women are SO nice. However, these women are also SO British, Australian, Scottish, Irish, and South African. And half the time, I feel like they are speaking Swahili. They are all English speaking, and obviously so am I. So why the hell can't I understand 70% of what these women are saying?!?!?!? To make matters worse, I have been introduced to about 197 people in the past 8 weeks and I remember about 12 of their names. Out of the 12 moms whose names I remember, I can remember 2 of their kids names. I'm pretty sure I've asked most of these women the same questions about 6 dozen times because I can't keep most of them straight. It's very embarrassing. The other day a really sweet mom was sitting with me at a birthday party when I asked her what class her son was in. She looked at me with a "How sad for your kids that you so obviously drink during the day" look. She then told me for probably the 10th time that her son was in C's class. I only wish I had an excuse like "vodka in my water bottle" to explain my stupidity. Very embarrassing.
The other night there was a mom's dinner out with about 15 ENGLISH SPEAKING moms. They are really extremely friendly and welcoming, however I'm pretty sure they now think I am either partially brain damaged or into some hard core drugs. For the first hour I focused really hard on what they were saying and frequently asked them to repeat themselves with a polite, "I'm sorry, what was that again?" By the next hour I just smiled and tried to laugh at the appropriate times. At one point a woman was telling some of us that she was heading back home to Ireland for the weekend. This sounded like exciting news, but just as I was about to comment about how much fun it sounded, I realized everyone else in on the conversation looked less than enthused. This would be because I only understood the second half of her story and missed the part about how she would be attending her aunt's funeral. I quickly wiped the "Have a pint of Guinness for me!" look off my face before anyone labelled me the cold-hearted American. I spent the 3rd hour enjoying my wine and pondering whether it would be strange for me to take an ESL course with a British instructor.
Despite the fact the I don't know what they are saying half the time, I have to say that they sound incredibly smart, regardless of the content. Seriously, I think a British accent could make even Paris Hilton sound intelligent. "That's Hot" said with an English accent doesn't sound so ridiculous, does it? The fact that speaking with an accent gives anyone an instant 10 point increase in their perceived IQ, may be partially to blame for my second affliction. I've named this next affliction of mine, the "Madonna" disorder. This would be my bizarre and uncontrollable tendency to speak with a slight British accent after spending time with my new UK friends. I may not know what the hell they are saying part of the time, but that doesn't stop me from copying their speech patterns. I swear to you it's unintentional and if I could personally apologize to Madonna for all of the times I slammed her due to her sudden British ways, I would. And Madonna and I are not the only American expats who suffer from this disorder. A friend who moved here from the West Coast will suddenly throw a British accent into a conversation out of nowhere. It's hysterical and fortunately she has a great sense of humor or she probably would not appreciate the fact that I point it out and laugh every time she does it. Their vocabulary is equally as addicting and I've caught myself saying things are "lovely" on a regular basis. At home this would age me by about 25 years, but here I fit right in! I drive on the "motorway", feed my kids "biscuits" instead of cookies, and tell them to get their shoes on "straight away". My cell phone has become my "mobile", E poops in her "nappies", I hold my kids hands in the "carpark", and "queue" at the "market" while waiting to pay for my groceries. Extremely annoying to those of you at home, but remember it's an illness. Take pity.
So as the Mjaanes clan heads back to the states at the end of the month, we look forward to enjoying easy conversations with our American friends and family. You may all sound a bit less intelligent back in the ole U.S. of A, but you're all so "lovely" is doesn't bother us a bit.
